Gotham Chronicles: Twas the fight before Christmas
by Wormtail96
Summary: Set at Christmas time, local do-gooders, Finn and Jake set out to defeat a mysterious figure who plagues Gotham City every Christmas Eve, eating mince pies and leaving FREE gifts. Will the heroes suceed and thwart this menace? Read on and find out!
1. Chapter 1

'**Twas the Fight Before Christmas!**

**Chapter One**

You know, Gotham City, like most cities, is a place of many stories. We Gothamites call them 'Gotham Chronicles' and yes, they do go beyond the Dark Knight and his Rogues Gallery. I mean, Gotham is a home of eccentrics, again, like many cities, and it's from those eccentrics that most Gotham Chronicles originated. I know about, uh, one hundred and sixty-two of 'em, and I'm now gonna give you another personal favourite of mine, this one taking place during every Gothamite's favourite time of the year: Christmas.

Yes, Gothamites loved Christmas. Christmas gifts, Christmas food, Christmas gifts, Christmas parties, Christmas gifts, the whole shebang. However, Gotham was a huge metropolis and a seriously fucked up one at that, so naturally, a lot of crazy shit went down in this city around this time of year. The worst, and I mean, _the worst_ incident of senseless carnage and destruction took place one fateful Christmas, in which local do-gooders Finn the human and Jake the dog, they…well, I think it is best I let the story speak for itself. And let me warn you, this story gets seriously fucked up and doesn't help that I've been drinking extensively. You've been warned…

* * *

_December 22nd 2011, Gotham City, City Mall_

The city mall was especially busy at this time of year, but it was three days before the big day, so yeah, this was basically a living nightmare. The enormous marble white building was jam-packed with hundreds upon hundreds of civilians shoving and pushing passed each other like savage animals, fighting near to death for all remaining decorations, food, IPhones and Gucci products. Some had even brought semi-automatics, just in case.

"Get your hands off that bracelet, you bitch!" Melanie Jones screamed as she literally kicked Nani Pelekai's ass, snatching the valuable pink bracelet she had been after for months for her daughter. She looked down at Nani and stomped her neck a few times before running off into the mall.

"Back! Get back, you savages!" The Hindu store manager Apu Nahasapeemapetilon cracked a whip before a wild crowd, preventing them from entering his Kwik-E-Mart convenience store installed inside the mall. "You all know the mall rules! We open at 8:35, no earlier!" He then looked at wristwatch and said, "Whoops, my mistake! It is now 8:37. Please do come inside." Apu took out a key and unlocked the Kwik-E-Mart doors. However, this proved to be a fatal mistake as the crowd of shoppers flooded into the store like a tsunami. Apu screamed in terror as his body disappeared into the wave of shoppers, _"Thaaaank yoooooou! Come agaaaaaaaaain!"_

* * *

"It began, as most children's fads do, virtually unnoticed. Earlier this year, the My Little Goblin interactive playsets quietly appeared on toyshop shelves, simply one more addition to an already bloated product line.

Little by little, the playsets began to seep into the collective juvenile conscious. A birthday present here, a gift from grandma there, etcetera, etcetera. By spring, they were becoming more visible to the child populace and a ground swell was taking hold on them.

Of course, our good friend, the media, helped keep the toys hot sellers through summer. Once the new school year kicked off, the craze grew to epidemic proportions. The kids who didn't have the toys looked towards Christmas for their wishes to be granted.

Alas, as was expected with such a fad, supply did not meet demand and the play sets were completely sold out by mid-November. This brings us to today, December 22nd, to the only place in Gotham city where these prized toys may yet be purchased…"

A pointy nosed, blue-skinned man with a thick white beard, wearing a dark blue robe and golden crown leaned back in his chair behind the counter of his store. His store was a slice in the grand cake that was the Gotham city mall, filled with comic books, gadgets, and all kinds of crap related to popular films. Basically, it was a guy's store, owned and ran by Gotham's most infamous foreign resident, the Ice King.

"Here, within the world famous confines of 'The Frozen Planet," he continued to gas on about his store and about the most comfortable situation he was in. "Thanks to my geniusne…geinus-ne? Thanks to my _genius, _I wisely brought in an ample supply of 'My Little Goblin' playsets back in October. So…" He set up his chair straight and motioned to the stacks of playset packages on the counter, all of them covered in labels showing their seriously jacked up prices. "Who'll be first to buy?"

The crowd before him, however, did not look impressed. In fact, they were from it; they were seriously pissed off Among them were parents, youngsters and fans of the 'My Little Goblin' franchise, wrapped up in their thick winter clothing.

"Dude, you've gotta be kidding!" Mordecai, an anthromorphic blue jay who walked as a groundskeeper at the city park, said incredulously and through his wings in the air. "You're charging these things for fifty bucks a piece!"

"This is a rip-off, you, you…rip-off artist!" A blue pacman inspired imaginary friend, clearly finding it hard to come up with a good remark, just blurted out what first came to mind.

The Ice King merely "pfft" the customers and crossed his arms, telling them snootily, "Hey, I'm only charging the going rate, plus a modest mark-up to cover operating expenses and make up for lost revenue. Small businessmen like me depend on the holidays for this."

"What're you talking about, modest?" A lavender unicorn named Twilight Sparkle demanded, stomping her hoof against the ground. "The playsets were selling at Walmart for between fifteen to twenty dollars!"

"Well then, I suggest you trot along there to get your playsets and-oh, oh, that's right, you _can't!_ Every other store in Gotham is sold out. Silly me. But then, that was the point of that otherwise pointless backstory I just gave you, if you had been paying attention."

"Ice King!"

Everybody's head in the store turned at hearing that familiar voice, and seconds later, two people stepped out forward from the crowd. Ice King rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead in annoyance upon seeing them.

The first was a 13-year-old human boy, dressed in a blue shirt and shorts, an awesome white hat, and a green backpack. The person next to him was a roundish yellow dog. These guys were none other than Finn the Human and his older adoptive brother Jake the Dog, Gotham do-gooders and all round good guys, and constant thorns in the Ice King's side.

"Oh, great, just great!" He growled sarcastically. "Finn, Jake, what are two doing here?"

Finn ignored his question and slammed his fists against the counter as if it were serious business, and repeating himself in an equally serious voice, "Ice King!"

"What?"

"What's the deal with you jacking up the price on these playsets, jerk?"

"So? What's it to you?"

Pull his blue shirt off, Finn revealed himself to everyone to be wearing a white shirt underneath. On the front were the words, in the show's style, _'My Little Goblin: Kinship is Magic'._ He shouted, somewhat overdramatically, "It means everything, Ice King! For I – you ready for this? – am a Broblin!" Everybody, save for Ice King, gasped dramatically in admiration and awe. "And as a devout fan of this franchise, I cannot and will not love and tolerate you extorting my fan brethren!"

Ice King responded with another 'pfft'. "Oh yeah, like I've ever cared about what _you_ guys think of me! I mean, what're you superzerosgonna do about it?"

Actually having not thought about his plan up to this point, Finn began to sweat and looked around nervously. "W-well, I'll…I'll…" His expression turned serious again and he yelled threateningly at the greedy owner of the store, "I'll kick your butt!"

"Ya can't beat me up for exploiting my monopoly on the market."

"Yes I can!"

"No, you can't!"

"Jake!" Finn pointed at his brother, who promptly whipped out a book entitled on the cover, 'Hero's code of conduct', and flipped through the pages until he found the page relevant to the situation.

After running his finger along the text and going over it a couple of times to make sure, the yellow dog looked up at his brother and shook his head, saying, "Sorry, dude, but the Ice King's right. We can't kick his butt this time."

The Ice King laughed at his relatively minor triumph, but Finn attempted to muster whatever he could of his dignity and ability to pose a threat. "W-well, then, we'll…we'll boycott your store!" Such a threat actually managed to visibly unnerve the Ice King, especially when the crowd started muttering to themselves. If they did so, his profits would plummet and business eventually crash. "Whaddya say, guys?"

A pause followed, during which the crowd of shoppers tossed a few glances at each other, before a pink Earth Pony poked her head out between them and exclaimed, her eyes bugging out, "What are you, nuts? We're not leaving this store!"

"This is the only place we can get these sets, man," Mordecai told him, rubbing his own shoulder unsurely. "I mean, yeah, Ice King's being a dick, but if we leave…then we get jack!"

"Even if we did, it's not like he's gonna change the price," Twilight Sparkle added, casting a dirty look at the greedy blue douchebag behind the counter.

"Darn right, I won't," he quipped, though few people paid heed.

"Besides, it's Christmas Eve, Finn. I don't think we have the time for any boycotting. So at the risk of sounding like a total consumer…" She used her hind legs to kick Mel, who was still banged from the scrap with Nani, in the ribs and out of her way and dashed right to the front of the counter, screeching and pulling out a huge wad of cash, "Gimme, gimme, GIMME!"

All the other shoppers followed suit, gathering around the counter like a horde of locusts and waving their cash in the air like ninnies. Jake and Finn's jaws dropped literally to the ground at what they saw to be a betrayal of monstrous proportions.

Now laughing uproariously, the Ice King took part in his favourite part of business, the swapping of sets of cheap plastic for piles of flimsy valuable paper. "Wow, Finn, I gotta admit, you almost had 'em eating outta your hands. Too bad, now they're eating outta _mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" _

Finn now looked like he was about to tear the Ice King to shreds, his eyes glowing red and suddenly sharpened teeth bared. Luckily, for the Ice King that is, Jake used his magical elastic powers and extended his arms and kept his brother back. He tried to ease the situation by reasoning with their arch-rival, "Hey, whoa, whoa, let's cool it down, everygoblin. C'mon, Finn, let's get outta here before this becomes a scene."

"**ICE KING, YOU BETTER LOWER THESE PRICES, OR COME OUT FROM BEHIND THAT COUNTER AND FIGHT ME!"** Finn screamed like a lunatic as Jake pulled him out the store door, his arms and legs flailing and foam spewing out his mouth. **"'CAUSE OTHERWISE, I'M GONNA ****FLIP-OUT!"**

* * *

Later, at the food court, Finn and Jake were sat down at a table, eating large, or as they preferred, 'hero'-sized McDonald's meals. They were trying to cool down after the not-so-successful confrontation at 'Frozen Planet' and reflect.

"Wow, man, you seriously lost it back there," Jake said before taking a large chomp out of his Big Mac.

Finn sighed dejectedly, putting his curled fists to his face, "Jake…what do you think Christmas is all about?"

The yellow dog put down his burger and scratched his chin in thought, "Well, the word 'christmas' comes from 'Christ's Mass', or if you wanna be more deep, 'Cristes Maesse'. While many European cultures already celebrated a Winter Festival, the Christians only celebrated Easter. That changed in the fourth century, and the birthday of Christ was first celebrated as January 6th, although it wasn't recorded in the Bible. But then _that _in 1743 when Pope Julius I changed the date to December 25th in order for it to coincide with the Pagan 'Saturnalia Festival'. In 1870, Christmas was declared a national holiday and it remains one to this very day." Jake picked up his burger and took another bite and asked Finn with his mouth full, "But hey, that's just me. So, what do _you_ think Christmas is all about, Finn?"

A pause followed between the two friends, and Finn blinked a few times, that is until he flung the packaging and remains of their meal off the table and slammed his fists against the surface. "NO, DUDE!" He yelled indignantly. "Everyone knows that Christmas is all about the economically beneficial purchasing of material goods and edibles for friends and family, in which we pretend world peace and happiness are obtainable concepts if just for one day!"

"…oh yeah."

"But what the Ice King is doing is just wrong! You're supposed to sell goods at a price that whilst the bourgeoisie can make a profit, it's just enough that the average consumer can afford. That guy is a disgrace to capitalist decency!"

Jake tossed the last of his burger into his mouth and shrugged, "Yeah, well, not like there's anything you can do."

He could not help but start to think his buddy was right. It would go completely go against his alignment and the 'hero's code of conduct' if he just went and beat the ever loving crap out of the Ice King. Yet he could not allow him to keep on extorting his brethren like this. He and Jake were the self-proclaimed do-gooders and vigilantes of Gotham City, and as such, it was their duty to defeat all evil the city was faced with, be it even on the lesser extent of douchebags like the Ice King. If only that jerk had not fled the Ice Kingdom to America, none of this would be happening.

He was not called the Ice King for nothing, after all. The limp dick fled his nation due to its economic turmoil caused by his policy of borrowing money from other Oooropean countries that he would not be able to pay back, plunging the entire continent into a debt crisis. Now he was in self-imposed exile, trying to 'pick up the pieces' as it were, and making things difficult for the locals in the process.

There had to be a way to solve this dilemma, if not for them, or their fellow Broblins, but for the sake of plot convenience!

"Ahem!"

The two turned to their left and gasped and nearly jumped from their seats when they saw a couple of men dressed in slick black suits and shades standing over them.

"Uh…" Finn looked around uneasily and inquired, "Can we help you?"

The men pulled out a pair of golden badges, and the first told them gruffly, "I'm Mr Black and he's Mr White, official bodyguards, or "goons", to the Mayor of Gotham. You must come with us."

"Why?"

Suddenly, the second bodyguard by the name of Mr White grabbed Finn roughly by the shoulders, telling him as darkly and dramatically as he could, "Your city – NO! Your country needs you, boys!"

Finn and Jake glanced at each other, both visibly uncomfortable but this guy getting so up close to the former. "Yeah, uh…look, if we go with you, will you stop violating my bro's personal space?" Jake asked politely, though creeped out.

"No."

* * *

Both heroes were taken via limousine (after having been forcibly thrown into the back by Mr Black and Mr White) to Gotham City Hall, where outside a large crowd had gathered at the bottom of the stairs. The faces on the people looked a combination of indignation and fear as they shook their fists and waved burning torches and pitchforks around, chanting "rabble rabble" over and over again. They looked a minute away from becoming a stereotypical mob, going off to fight the Beast and save Belle! You get the idea.

Standing behind a podium at the top of the steps was the Mayor of Gotham City, Lumpy Space Princess, a floating lumpy purple creature and the princess to the King and Queen of Lumpy Space. She was wearing a silk blue sash over her shoulder and had a star on her forehead. After the assassination of Mayor Daffy Duck at the hands of the Penguin's goons, Lumpy Space Princess rose to power and single-handedly cleaned up the corruption infesting the Mayor's Office and—oh, okay, you know what? None of that stuff is true! She bought her way in and is just as, or possibly more corrupt than Daffy ever was. Gotham just seems to have this serious problem of having the most corrupt of assholes running it or something, I dunno. Moving on!

Mr Black and Mr White led Finn and Jake through the crowd, which received a swing of mood and subsequent cheering from the crowd. Neither could deny that they had become quite famous around the city for being do-gooders, especially at such low fees. They were taken up the steps and to the podium where LSP was.

"Oh, hey Finn, Jake," LSP greeted them in her trademark consistently deep, dry and unimpressed voice. "'bout time you guys showed up."

"There was traffic, your majesty," Mr White offered and he and Mr Black bowed before the Mayor, addressing her by her foreign title rather than her democratic one. This was just one example of how under LSP, Gotham looked more like a principality than a democratic city.

"Pfft, whatever."

Finn got down on one knee, as did Jake. "Your majesty, Lumpy Space Princess, whatever is the problem facing your fair city?"

"Shut up, Finn," she told him flatly and turned to the crowd, saying into the microphone, "One of you guys fill 'em in, already."

Right away, a hideous yellow man by the name of Moe Szyslak shook his angry fist in the air, shouting, "We got a problem, Finn and Jake, and youse guys are the only ones who can solve it!"

Knowing his brother had already accepted it without a single word being said, Jake shrugged and clapped his hands together. "Okay, but what's the prob?"

"Well, get this, Jake," Moe went on to explain. "Every year at Christmas, we get each other gifts, right?"

"Right."

"But here's the thing; at the same time every year, on Christmas Eve, in the middle of the night, this guy breaks into all our places! Not just a few of, I'm talking everybody in Gotham!"

Finn's jaw dropped and, pushing LSP out of the way, gripped the sides of the podium and gasped, "No…way!"

"Yeah, and Moe hasn't even got to the worst part!" LSP jumped back into the conversation, throwing her arms into the air and sounding a lot more pissed off. "This total Freak doesn't just break and enter people's houses, he actually has the nerve to eat people's mince pies and carrots and drink their milk!"

Hearing this made Jake angry and he pounded one of his fists into the other. "That scoundrel!"

"But even that isn't the worst part! He – are you ready for this? – then has some more nerve to leave gifts for people, for FREE! Like some…weirdo!"

Moe brought home the climax, "And he goes by the name…_**Chris Cringle!"**_

The human boy was enraged by this revelation and pounded his fists against the podium in fury. "What kind of ANIMAL is this Cringle?" There mere notion of what this mysterious scumbag was doing actually made him physically sick.

Jake, on the other hand, was more confused than he was angry and he scratched his head, pondering aloud, "Wait…doesn't this guy sound a lot like, I dunno…Santa Claus?"

"Don't be stupid, dude!" Finn replied, glaring at his brother/best bud as if he had said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "Everyone knows Santa Claus is just a commercial icon who our parents say is real just so that we repeat them in public and people point at us and laugh!"

"…oh yeah."

"No, this guy…this guy must be some kind of Communist Chinese agent, sent here by his leaders to brainwash the populace into the spirit of sharing goods without profit, like sharing the means of production! My GOD, it's a conspiracy to undermine American capitalism!"

Now, you would think that anyone with even a two digit IQ could put together what a load of tripe such a ridiculous and overblown claim Finn was spouting. But remember, this is Gotham, people, Gotham.

"Oh yeah, that's it, for sure!" conquered Moe and was backed up by a shout from the crowd-turning-angry mob.

Finn spread his arms and bellowed into the microphone over them, "People of Gotham City, I hereby vow to catch this Chris Cringle and put an end to his wicked communist ways, once and for all! I swear!"

"Swear to what?" A random hand rose from the wave of faces.

"I swear to justice! And to Jake's cute face!" Finn pointed down to Jake, who was currently being petted by a bunch of school girls, whom could not get over how absolutely adorable they found him. "And, and…I swear to CHRISTMAS!"

This last vow was what won the crowd over, and they cheered hysterically for their heroes. Jake and Finn bowed before them and soaked up their praise like sponges. Finn turned to Lumpy Space Princess, an idea coming to his mind. Maybe there was a way he could kill two birds with one stone.

"Lumpy Space Princess, we'll defeat this fiend, however, that is on one condition."

"Yeah, like what?"

The human boy smirked and crossed his arms, "The Ice King has to slash the prices of his 'My Little Goblin: Kinship is Magic' playsets to fifteen dollars, so that the price is both beneficial to him and the consumer."

Whilst the crowd cheered even more to this, the Ice King, who happened to be dropping by to hear what the commotion was all about, was absolutely horrified. "WHAT? N—"

"Done. You take out Cringle, Ice King stops being a douche."

"Then awaaaay!"

Jake suddenly used his powers to grow several times his size and Finn hopped onto his back as he did. Riding his friend like a majestic stead, the two galloped down into the street, the applause of their fans following them as they rode off into the sunset in an over-the-top fashion like in the film, 'Zorro'. How there was a sunset near midday is beyond me, but it's cool here, so let's not question it.

"Uh, Finn?" Jake looked up at his bro.

"Yeah?"

"Where we going?"

"To 'Al's Weapon Emporium'!" Finn took out his rustic sword and pointed forward.

"Oh, okay, but…it's in the opposite direction of where were running."

"Oh…then awaaaay the other way!"

The yellow dog spun around and continued galloping in the opposite direction, passing the crowd once more and heading in the right direction, but at the cost of their awesome theatrical exit.

Believe me, this shit was seriously going to end badly…


	2. Chapter 2

'**Twas the Fight Before Christmas!**

**Chapter Two**

_December 24th 2011, Gotham City, Finn and Jake's tree house_

'_Twas the night before Christmas, and throughout Gotham city, very few were awake, save for our heroes, Finn and Jake…'_

"Hey, Jake."

"Yeah?"

"Pass me that Danish."

Jake did so, though he nearly knocked over the cup of coffee placed dangerously close to the keyboard. He stopped it just in time and placed it a good distance away, smiling nervously at his unimpressed brother.

The surveillance monitor room was small, cramped and still beset by the winter cold like the rest of the voice. Both were wrapped tightly in scarves, hats and thick coats, yet they kept shivering and their breath puffed out their mouths and noses like smoke from a chimney. It did not help either that it was almost entirely pitch-black in the room, the only light emitting from the several monitors Jake and Finn were sat down in front of.

Finn and Jake had spent the last two days not just decorating the tree house and stocking up food for Christmas, but spending vast amounts of cash on surveillance equipment and setting up the monitor room and on new weapons at Al's. At the latter, they were not as successful, only finding a few bullet and knife-proof vests (which both were wearing right now) and some of the more basic handguns and knives for a practical capture of this unknown enemy. That and some of the bazookas and the displayed BGM-71 TOW were too expensive. Still, after that seasonal splurging, the two now felt comfortable enough to take on this menace, but that did not mean both were particularly happy with it.

"Man, this sucks," Jake grumbled, crossing his arms bitterly. "I was gonna spend Christmas Eve with Lady Rainicorn, not freeze my butt off in a little dark room!"

"Come on, Jake," Finn said, leaning forward and pressing a few keys to examine the different areas around their tree house where they had set up surveillance cameras. "We vowed to justice, your cute face and Christmas. We made a commitment and we gotta stick to it."

"No, YOU made a commitment. I said nothing. Christmas this year is super balls!"

A grin then appeared on the human boy's face. "Oh, well if that's how you feel, then I guess you wouldn't want your present, huh?"

"Present?" Jake livened up a bit, rubbing his hands. "Hey, screw whatever I said, bro, I'll take the present."

Finn reached underneath the desk for something seconds later, he pulled out a gift that was poorly wrapped up in shiny red gift wrapping paper. "Ta-da! Merry Christmas, Jake!"

Jake took the gift and tore off the wrapping like an excited little kid. He gasped at what he pulled out from the cardboard box.

"Golden knuckles with detachable spikes! Awwwesome saaaauce! And speaking of which…" Jake slid the golden knuckles on his hands and whipped something out from behind his back that he had somehow managed to keep hidden from Finn all this time. "Surprise! Merry Christmas, dude!" It was a long, rectangular shaped present wrapped in orange gift wrapping paper.

He slapped his cheeks in shock and tore away the paper, throwing the shreds up in the air and letting them fall like snowflakes. When he opened the box, all Finn could do was slowly gasp out, "Oh…my…gosh!"

It was sword, but not just any sword. This sword dwarfed Finn's regular sword in size and at first glance, it seemed sharp enough to slice through human flesh like tissue paper. Its hilt was black and decorated with a little golden skull.

"That my friend is an Elvish blade…carved by a village of elves, naturally."

"How'd you get it?"

"Oh, I killed them."

"Okay then, that makes sen-wait, what?" He stopped marvelling his new sword for a moment and stared at his friend, doing a double take.

"Yeah. I killed them. All of them."

The human boy now looked increasingly horrified. "Even the children?"

"_Especially_ the children!"

When Finn was about to say something else, they heard a sound. They froze and their heads slowly rotated to its source. It came from the monitor. What they saw made their jaws drop.

There, on the middle monitor recording the snow covered rooftop of the tree house, the bottom half of a red one-hose open sleigh had slid onto the roof. Moments afterwards, the duo spotted a pair of black and gold buckled boots crunching against the snow.

"He's here."

"Welcome to the party, Cringle!"

* * *

In the living room, something crashed down the chimney shoot and onto the extinguished fireplace. When the dust cleared and it coughed a few times to keep said dust out of its throat, the big, round and red something got up and stepped out from the fireplace.

Chris Cringle dusted the soot from his red and white fur lined suit and the edges of his great white beard and he hauled his heavy red sack from inside the fireplace and set it down by the Christmas tree. He searched around and found the set of milk and mince pies on a table by the fireplace from which he entered the tree house and polished them off quick.

When he was done with that, Cringle turned his attention back to the tree and his sack of wonders. He opened the sack up and proceeded to take out the specially wrapped gifts and set them carefully under the Christmas tree for two young lads who had been especially good this year, although a bit misguided, Finn and Jake.

That is until…

"Chris Cringle!"

He stood up and turned around to see Finn and Jake standing there, looks of anger on their faces and standing like they were prepared for a fight.

"Ah, Finn and Jake, I had a feeling both you boys were awake," Cringle said with a deep, English accent as he crossed his arms, looking at the boys' action possess unimpressed.

"How'd you know our names, Cringle?" Jake demanded, adjusting his golden knuckles and the spikes on top. "What, you've been spying on people all year round? Looking for secret data?"

Finn wielded his new sword high, ready to clash with this villain. "It doesn't matter now. Cringle, how **DARE** you try to undermine our capitalist system by giving out **FREE** gifts! You make me **SICK!"**

"And that red outfit's a pretty big give away, in case you haven't figured that out already, _"Comrade!""_

However, Cringle had been expecting some trouble with these two lads this year, his elves having informed him of the trouble brewing Gotham. "Now hold on, boys, don't be headstrong," he reasoned, putting his gloved hands up defensively. "I assure you, you and the city have got it all wrong! Look, the thing is-"

But Cringle could not finish his sentence, for whilst he was trying to explain the situation, he had let his guard down and did not notice in time Finn and Jake running up to him and tackling him to the ground! Finn got on top of him and punched him square in his holly jolly face!

"Tell us who you work for!" Finn punched him the face again. "The Chinese? The North Koreans? The Cubans? The Vietnamese? Stop me if I'm just guessing!"

"He sounds British, man! The Europeans are probably in on it, too!" Jake deducted from little to no concrete evidence and delivered his own gold-encrusted blow to the big guy.

"I knew it!"

Cringle struggled to break himself free from the grasp of the brutes and cried, "What is the meaning of this? Are you both mad? You're supposed to be on the side of good, not bad!"

Unfortunately for him, neither Finn nor Jake was through, far from it even. "Now let's see who you really are underneath that stupid beard disguise." The yellow dog then did the unthinkable and started yanking as hard as he could on Cringle's beard.

Although Finn followed suit, he could not help but ask his brother, "How'd you figure it's a disguise?"

"Oh, come on, man, nobody has a goofy, retarded beard like this anymore, especially if they're a communist agent. Now pull harder!" Yet no matter how hard they pulled, the beard would not come off. It was as if it were stuck to the old man's face with super glue.

Suddenly, the two found themselves flung off from the man and landed several feet across the living room. They looked up to see Cringle standing up, rubbing his sore chin and glaring furiously at them.

"How dare you! I tried to reason, but you attacked! So instead of presents, you both get Jack!" And with that, Cringle and his sack of wonders vanished, turning into dust and flying up the chimney without a trace.

* * *

Back up on the roof, Cringle stomped across the rooftop, flinging his sack onto the sleigh where the reindeer were waiting up front and grumbling angrily under his breath. The nerve of those two. He had tried to explain, but they just would not listen and assaulted him. Well, to hell with them and their "good deeds" this year. Hopefully, by next year, they will have improved their behaviour and pulled their heads out of their asses.

"Leaving so soon, Cringle?"

Cringle spun around and there he saw Finn and Jake, sword and gold knuckles in hands. It would normally have stunned Cringle how anyone could have got onto the roof almost as fast as him, but right now, they did not seem at all important, especially considering the intent in the lads' eyes.

"You're not going anywhere," Jake informed darkly as he and Finn marched towards him, making the latter back up against the chimney. "Either we're either taking you in, or taking you _out. _Your choice."

Before Cringle could say or do anything, one of the reindeer went wild. It saw its master threatened and acting defensively, broke from its reins and lashed its hooves at the Finn and Jake, who jumped back just in time to avoid them. And wouldn't you know it? They jump to another farfetched conclusion here, as well.

"You monster!" Finn roared, pointing his sword at the deer, though he was addressing Cringle. "Using non-anthromorphic animal labour to carry out your sick missions! Is there anything you communist's won't do?"

"I will liberate you, brother!" Jake, his hatred of Cringle now bolstered tenfold by his abuse of the dog's animal brethren, launched himself onto the reindeer's head and quickly himself riding the creature like a rodeo bull by hanging onto its large antlers. This went on for less than a minute, when _SNAP!_

Cringle gasped in horror and the grabbed the sides of his head. Jake had just (unintentionally) snapped the antlers off the reindeer's head! The reindeer whimpered and held the stubs where its antlers used to be and Finn and Jake (the latter who had climbed off the reindeer) just stared at them confused.

"Wow, these things look pretty real," Jake commented, examining the antlers. "I'm impressed."

"So you've been using hot glue to stick these antlers to deer's heads!" Finn shouted at Cringle, who was now marching up to the two with smouldering eyes and clenched fists. "Only you could act so lo-"

POW!

Finn toppled backwards and collapsed on Jake, trying the latter in a sandwich between Finn and the snow. Finn groaned disoriented and held his throbbing eye. Before he could recollect himself, Cringle's sleigh was already taking off into the Gotham skies.

"Oh no, Cringle's getting away!"

"Not if I've got anything to say about! Hold on, Finn!"

* * *

Up above, Cringle never felt more relieved to leave a house he had visited on Christmas Eve night, even more so than the houses of bad children. He decided then and there that Finn and Jake would forever be placed on his permanent naughty plaque.

The sleigh jolted, making Cringle jump and the reindeer to become startled. It felt like extra weight had suddenly added itself to the back. Cringle peered over his shoulder and was dumbstruck by what he saw.

"**CRINGLE!""**

Finn and Jake were clinging onto the back of the sleigh, or more specifically, Jake was clinging on via stretching a long distance to catch up with the sleigh and Finn was riding on his back.

"Get back here and fight me!" Finn screamed brandishing and waving his sword about like a freaking maniac.

Now this was the point where Cringle simply had had enough. These miscreants had punched him in the face, tried to rip off his beard, snapped the antlers of one of his reindeer off and now they were stalking him. His Christmas cheer dried up like Dead Valley, Cringle pulled out his reindeer whip and began lashing the stowaways with it, trying to get them to let go.

"Nerts to this jolly shtick, I'm gonna **waste** you little shits!" Cringle bellowed, cracking his whip over and over again. On his fourth of fifth attempt, Finn raised his sword and caught the cord around the blade and yanked it forward. "And nerts to this freaking rhyming!"

The force of the pull nearly took Cringle off the sleigh, but he let go of the whip just in time and it slid off Finn's sword and into the depths of the city below. The sleigh was now flying deeper into the city and thus, a maze of tall grey buildings.

Seizing the opportunity, Finn launched himself at Cringle and tackled him onto the seat of the sleigh. He raised his sword and brought it down screaming on the large man, but inches away from his face, Cringle took out what seemed to be a candy cane and _Bzzzt! _A green beam shot out the end of the candy cane and block Finn's sword. He got back up on his feet and broke the sword lock.

"A lightsaber? How the blubbins did you do that?"

"It's called Christmas Magic, you fraud!"

A sword fight between the two broke out of pretty subpar proportions. I mean, yeah, it's Finn vs. you-know-who, but they're confined within a sleigh, it's not like they can take their fight anyway else. Why, to ask an exhausted writer who wants to get this done before Christmas to push the envelope with this fight scene would simply be criminal!

So yeah, Cringle eventually got the upper hand and knocked the sword out of Finn's grasp and kicked him into the seat of the sleigh. Before our "hero" knew what hit him, he found his sword and Cringle's lightsaber held up to his neck in a scissor hold.

Glowering down at his prey, Cringle no longer looked like the holly jolly fellow who had come down Finn and Jake's chimney. Seriously, he genuinely looked prepared to scissor Finn's head clean off its shoulders. He had been pushed to his utmost limit and he only had one thing on his mind now: vengeance.

"Before I kill you, I must know…where did you acquire this magnificent blade?" Cringle could not help but be impressed by Finn's sword. He expected it to shatter upon contact with his lightsaber, yet it survived their duel without a scratch.

Jake's voice came from behind the sleigh, _"Oh, that's my Christmas gift to Finn! Elvish blade, man!"_

"Elvish blade! You mean, the all-powerful blade from that destroyed elf village?" Realisation hit him and burning hot fury filled his face. "You mean to tell me YOU were the one who slaughtered the elves of that village? Some of which were relatives to my grieving workshop elves? Just for some…some…**CHRISTMAS GIFT!"** Flames burned in his eyes and spittle was flying out his mouth as he barked like a rabid dog.

"_Heh heh…yeah."_

Cringle arched his back and roared so monstrously and fuelled by so much anger, it actually coincided with a thunder and lightning strike.

"THAT'S IT! YOU ARE SUCH…FUCKERS…" Cringle was now hyperventilating, for he was _so_ beset by rage. He looked like an escaped madman. "…YOUR PUNISHMENT…IS…**DEEEEAAAATH! **AND I'M STARTING WITH**YOU,**** FINN! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!"**

Yet luck was on Finn's side tonight. Before Cringle could make his move, Jake the dog sprung up from the front of the sleigh between the reindeer and dove at the not-so-jolly Cringle. He wrapped himself over Cringle's head, cutting off his vision and pounded his fist repeatedly against the man's head.

"Get off me, you mutt!"

"Not one cuts Finn's head off but ME!"

Cringle lost his balance and tripped to his right and this led to, you guessed it, him falling right off the sleigh, taking Jake with him. Taking Jake with him, that is, until he stretched out his hand and Finn caught it just in time. He helped his brother back up into the sleight and they embraced each other, but looked over the sleigh when they heard the scream.

Cringle plummeted to the earth, or rather Gotham Lake, his arms flailing and screaming as he did, cursing the day of Jake and Finn's births and swearing vengeance on the two. "WITH MY LAST BREATH, I CURSE FINN AND JAAA-" _**KA-SPLASH!**_ And so he sank, and kept sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness of the lake, never to resurface…

A few second passed, and Finn and Jake cheered and high-fived each other.

"We did it, dude," Jake patting his brother on the back. "We saved Christmas!"

"You bet we did!" Finn shot his fist into the air like guns. He then leaned over the sleigh and yelled bellowed, "Say 'hello' to Kim Jong-il for me, ya freak!"

"Hmm…" Jake looked around a bit, feeling puzzled. "Strange…"

"What's up, Jake?"

"I've only just noticed something…we're flying through the city on a sleigh driven by reindeer."

"Yeah…so?"

"Well, it's just that…you'd think by now we'd have crashed into some-" They froze and their heads creaked in their forward direction. Jake could not have brought up this point at a worse time. The sleigh was heading…straight into the City Mall!

"AAAGG-!"

* * *

Inside the mall, the Ice King was sitting down at his desk in his office at the back of his store, counting his profits over the last six months. Naturally, his profits had sky rocketed over the last two months, thanks to his cash cows, the _'My Little Goblin: Kinship is Magic' _playsets. With the net profits he was making, he would easily be able to afford both that boat and log cabin in Alaska. This activity and those comforting thoughts were enough to take his mind off the problem he was facing with Finn and Jake taking on this Cringle fellow. If they succeeded, then he would be forced to cut his prices tremendously and the mere thought of losing money ran the risk of him getting a heart attack. Yet he assured himself again and again how no one had ever captured, let alone seen Christ Cringle before, so what chance did those two bozos have? Yes, his profits would surely be safe.

He stopped running his magnifying glass over the documents. He heard a noise from outside his office window. Getting up from his desk, he peered irritably out the window. What he saw made him want to scream in terror. He just did not get the chance to before…

_**KA-BLAM!**_

* * *

When the Ice King came to, he found himself laying facedown against the marble floor of the mall. He was aching all over, from his head to his toes, but summoned the strength to bring himself to his knees. After regaining his focus of vision, Ice King noticed an orange glow behind him. When he saw what it was, this time had plenty of time to scream.

The 'Frozen Planet' had been completely destroyed! All that was left were rubble, burned and destroyed products and a crackling fire that engulfed both. It was gone. The store, his livelihood, everything he worked for in this damned country was all gone.

"My STORE! My beautiful, beautiful STORE! NOOO!" he screamed, pulling at his beard and slamming his head against the marble floor. His grief converted to righteous anger when he saw who were marching out from the wreckage all tough-like, not looking behind at the aftermath of the explosion like in an 80s to 90s action film.

"FINN! JAKE! You've destroyed my business! You've ruined me! **RUUUINED MEEE!** So now I'm going to ruin yo-"

Jake's golden knuckled fist smashed Ice King around the jaw, sending every tooth in his foal mouth flying out, appropriately spelling for a millisecond in mid-air, 'FUCK YOU'. The Ice King dithered for a moment and collapsed on the ground, twitching.

"Mark _that_ up," Jake remarked bitterly, dusting off his knuckles.

Suddenly, the doors of the mall flew open and in poured a crowd of citizens dressed also in their warmest clothing. Why they were not asleep at this hour on Christmas Eve is beyond me, but let's just roll with it.

"Hey, they did it! They killed Chris Cringle!"

"Christmas is saved!"

"HOORAH!"

They surrounded the dynamic duo and a group of raggedy orphans lifted them into the air and carried them off out of the mall, celebrating their new heroes. Some of them made sure to step on and kick the Ice King a few times.

As their informal procession took to the streets of Gotham, some folks cranked up the radio and they started dancing to the New Kids on the Block, 'Hangin' Tough'. Jake turned to Finn and yelled over the cheering, "So whatcha say, Finn? Best Christmas evah?

"BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVAH!"

_Ugh. Just…just ugh. I told you this went fucking insane! Ugh…anyway, as you imagined, Finn and Jake were from then on honoured as heroes of Gotham City. Suck on it, Batman, you hack, we got Finn and Jake! As for the Ice King, with his business destroyed, in lieu of slashing his prices, he was forced to work hard labour and earn enough money so that every child in Gotham could have at least one My Little Goblin Playset. As for Chris Cringle, well, no one has ever seen or heard from him again, not even his free gifts, so it's safe to assume for some that he's gone for good. Although I wonder, sometimes, that he's still out there, plotting his next move…_

_Anyway, for you folks at home, do have a Merry Christmas and blah, blah, blah! Just don't do what these idiots do! Now…bartender, bring me another Strongbow here! Oh, and to finish off, folks, here's the New Kid's on the Block to sing us out._

* * *

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh**_

_**Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance**_

_**Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance**_

_**Don't worry about nothing cause it won't take long**_

_**We're gonna put you in a trance with the funky song**_

_**Cause you gotta be...**_

_**Hangin' tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**Are you tough enough?**_

_**Hangin' tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**We're rough**_

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh **_

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh**_

_**Everybody's always talking about who's on top**_

_**Don't cross our paths cause you're gonna get stopped**_

_**We ain't gonna give anybody any slack**_

_**And if you try to keep us up we're gonna come right back**_

_**And you know it...**_

_**Hangin' tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**Are you tough enough?**_

_**Hangin' tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**Singing tough**_

_**We're rough**_

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh **_

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh**_

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh**_

_**Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh**_

_**Get loose everybody cause we're gonna do our thing**_

_**Cause you know it ain't over till the fat lady sings**_

_**Check it out!**_

* * *

_December 27__th__, Gotham Lake_

In between the sheets of floating ice on the lake, a dishevelled, lacerated hand dressed in a tattered black glove emerged from the dark freezing waters and grasped the largest sheet it could find, dragging its nails down the biting cold surface.

This was not over.

* * *

_**The End...or is it? **_

* * *

**(a/n) Merry Christmas!**


End file.
